


here & now

by girlwritesthings



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Brief Violence, Eventual Smut, F/M, HEA, Mention of Child Abuse, Minor Character Death, Modern AU, Slow Burn, Will update tags as story progresses, age gap, but not in a weird way, but there will be lots of age gap so if that's not your thing then this is not for you, except less dead people, i promise it'll be happy, like almost 30 year age gap at some points, nothing happens while anybody is underage!!!!, rating may change based on evenutal smut we will see, the time travellers wife au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:46:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27196676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlwritesthings/pseuds/girlwritesthings
Summary: "I hate to be where she is not, when she is not. And yet, I am always going, and she cannot follow." - Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's WifeRey is 6 years old when she meets time traveller Ben Solo, intertwining their futures from that day on.
Relationships: Finn/Rose Tico, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 73
Kudos: 46





	1. Prologue: A First Time For Everything

**Author's Note:**

> This AU is based on Audrey Niffenegger's novel, _The Time Traveler's Wife_. If you've read the book, you know that this story lends itself well to Reylo and canon plot points of the Star Wars sequel trilogy. Some scenes will reflect actual scenes/plot points of the novel, but mostly this interpretation will use the novel as a structural framework to tell the story.
> 
> Mind the tags and they will be updated as the story progresses. Rating will probably (definitely) change to E at some point.

**Sunday, April 22, 1991** _Ben is 4_

The first time it happens Ben thinks he must be dreaming. How else could he explain why he’s suddenly in his Uncle Luke’s backyard, the remnants of their earlier picnic still sitting on the table, when just moments before he had been playing dinosaurs in his bedroom across town.

He sits in the grass, stark naked and scared. The sun hasn’t set yet and he’s confused because just a second ago the moonlight had been illuminating his bedroom. Before he can get up to knock on Uncle Luke’s door and ask for clothes and to please call his mom, he’s back in his room, sprawled out across the floor. His dinosaurs sit on the ground, just as he left them, and only his pajamas laying in a crumpled heap on his floor let him know that something big just happened.

When his mom comes to tuck him in 20 minutes later, Ben babbles excitedly about his adventure while Leia sits on the edge of the bed, stroking his dark curls behind his ear.

“That sounds like quite a story.”

Ben nods, eyes wide. 

“But it was _real_ , mommy. I even saw the trucks I left at Uncle Luke’s, they’re by the hammock like I told you.”

Leia laughs and presses a kiss against his forehead, bringing the blanket up and pushing the sides under his body so he’s wrapped up like a little burrito. 

“Well, if you go on any more teleportation adventures, you just let me know, I’d love a vacation.”

And with that, she turns on the nightlight, leaving Ben to gaze up at the stars dancing across his ceiling, wondering how it could be a story when it felt so real.


	2. First Date, One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“How do you know my name?”_   
>  _The man chuckles but she still can’t see him so she throws the rock in the direction of the voice and she hears it connect with something solid. The man curses._   
>  _“Fuck! Rey, it’s me, Ben. It’s just me.” He’s pleading now and Rey pauses in bending down to grab another rock._

**Saturday, October 10, 1998** _Rey is 6 and Ben is 31_

When Rey is 6 she is placed in Maz Kanata’s care in a small home nestled deep in the Wisconsin woods just a half a mile from the shore of Lake Michigan.

Maz gives her a tour of the house, her new _home_ , which doesn’t take long. There’s only two bedrooms, a bathroom and a combined living room and kitchen.

But Rey could care less about the size because it’s _hers_. 

No more sleeping on frumpy mattresses or couches with her hand tightly gripping her backpack, both out of protection and in case she needs a quick getaway. No more bullying from the older boys. No more wondering where she’ll be a week from now.

It’s almost too much for her 6 and a half year old self to comprehend.

Rey takes in her new bedroom: the pale yellow walls are slightly chipped but otherwise warm and welcoming. There’s a twin sized bed in the far corner underneath a window that looks out on the trees that dot the yard behind the house, and a dresser sits along the opposite wall. There’s even a closet big enough for Rey to stand in and stretch her arms out, her fingertips brushing the wall on each side. She’s never had so much space to herself and she’s not even sure where to begin with filling the room. 

Maz gives her space to unpack and Rey is a little embarrassed by how it takes so little time to dump her meager belongings into the dresser. But she doesn’t reflect on it too long, her mind already on the forest in the backyard and how much she wants to explore its depths. Maz has a huge backyard. Huge. There’s no fence, instead the grass runs straight into the edge of the trees. 

Back in the kitchen she asks Maz if she can play outside. 

The woman squints down at her through her comically large glasses.

“Only for a bit. We need to run into town to get you some clothes for school.”

Rey thanks her and takes off out the backdoor. It’s fall and the leaves crunch under her sneakers as she tears off into the wooded area, staying close enough to the edge so that she can still see the house.

The trees are tall and Rey’s hands itch to climb them. In her old home, her foster mother almost had a heart attack one day when she had found Rey dangling precariously from a tree branch six feet from the ground. After that she hadn’t been allowed outside without one of the older kids keeping an annoyingly close eye on her.

She’s making her way towards a tree with a wide base and notches in just the right place for her feet when she hears a rustling and snapping of twigs to her left.

Her head whips around, but she doesn’t see anything.

“Who’s there?” Her voice wobbles but she stands her ground, curling her fingers into fists at her side.

The noise stops and Rey relaxes a little. It was probably just a bunny.

She turns, setting off for the tree once again when someone sneezes.

And now she’s scared.

“Who’s there?” She calls again, but her voice doesn’t waver this time. 

There’s a shuffling and a deep sigh but Rey still can’t see anything through the bushes between the trees.

“Hey, Rey. It’s just me.” The voice belongs to a man, deep and gravelly. 

She bends down and picks up a rock, her knuckles going white from how hard she’s gripping it.

“How do you know my name?” 

The man chuckles but she still can’t see him so she throws the rock in the direction of the voice and she hears it connect with something solid. The man curses.

“Fuck! Rey, it’s me, Ben. It’s just me.” He’s pleading now and Rey pauses in bending down to grab another rock.

“I don’t know a Ben and I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.” She crosses her tiny arms over her chest and juts her chin out trying to appear bigger than she is.

“But we’re not strangers. I know you and you know me. If you run inside and grab that green blanket of Maz’s I can explain.”

Rey blinks in confusion. He knows Maz? And what green blanket? But her curiosity gets the best of her. 

“How do I know you’re not lying? That you won’t hurt me?” Rey asks.

The voice comes from the other side of the bushes, softer than before.

“Your name is Rey Kanata. You were born on April 20, 1992 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. You like the color yellow and chocolate brownies and when you grow up you want to be a professional ice cream eater.”

Rey startles at how much he knows about her. But something inside her whispers that she’s not in danger, that she is safe. She can’t explain it so she doesn’t question it.

“If I get the blanket, will you tell me who you are?” 

The man doesn’t hesitate.

“I promise.” 

So Rey runs back through the trees, over the leaves in the yard and into the house. She can hear Maz moving around in the back of the house and she doesn’t want to draw her attention so she tiptoes through the living room searching for the blanket. She finds it folded next to the couch and grabs it, sprinting back out the door and through the trees once more.

She finds the gnarled tree where the man was and looks around. Moving slowly towards the bushes she heard his voice from, she tosses the blanket on the ground before scrambling away back towards the tree.

A long pale arm darts out from the shrubbery and snatches the blanket back. And then he emerges, the blanket around his waist and not a stitch of clothing on him, otherwise.

Rey’s first thought is how tall he is. He towers over her and Rey has to crane her neck up to look at his face.

Her second thought is _he’s old_. She can’t tell how old. He looks younger than Maz, more like the age of her teacher from school. His hair is black and long, almost touching his shoulders. He has a sharp nose and moles dot his face and his brown eyes are warm like honey and are looking right at her.

“Hi,” he smiles and she notices that his teeth are a little crooked.

“Who are you?” She asks for the third time.

The man looks relaxed as he takes in the small clearing, like he's familiar with these trees and this spot. His mouth quirks at the corner, in an almost smile and then he's looking back at her.

“I told you, I’m your friend. My name is Ben.” He grips the blanket around his waist with one hand and with the other he reaches out his hand for her to shake but Rey doesn’t move and eventually he drops it. 

“I don’t know a Ben.” Rey backs up until her back hits the tree and she uses it to steady her.

“Not yet, but we’ll be friends one day.” Rey cocks her head at that and he continues. “If I tell you a secret, will you promise not to tell anybody?”

She chews on the inside of her cheek, “My teacher said that adults aren’t supposed to ask you to keep secrets. It means they’re bad.”

Ben chuckles. 

“That’s very smart, you should listen to your teacher.” He seems to think for a moment and then he continues. “How about this: you can tell Maz? That way you know I’m not bad.”

This idea tumbles around her head for a second and she decides that it sounds like a pretty good deal. 

“Ok.”

Ben takes a deep breath.

“I’m a time traveller.”

The air rushes from Rey’s lungs and he pauses but she doesn’t say anything so he continues.

“I’m coming from the summer of 2018. I was at home, doing laundry and suddenly I found myself here with you.” He says it so simply, like he hasn’t just said the most insane thing Rey has ever heard.

“But… How? Time travel isn’t real, it’s only in the movies.”

At that Ben smiles. 

“One day I’ll tell you the whole story, I promise. But I can prove it to you now, if you’d like?”

Rey finds herself nodding, despite herself. 

“First I need you to promise me something, okay?” She nods again. “I’ll be back here next Thursday, October 15, after you’re done with school. I need you to bring me clothes: pants and a sweater would be nice. Can you do that for me, Rey?”

She immediately shakes her head. “I don’t have any clothes for boys.”

He nods in agreement.

“No, but Maz does. If you check the closet by the bathroom you’ll find some old clothes in the back, bring those. Okay? Boots, too, if you can find some.”

“I… guess,” she replies.

“Okay. I’ll see you next Thursday then, right here.”

Ben holds his hand out again towards Rey and she finds herself pushing away from the tree and then her fingers are engulfed in his. He smiles, giving her hand a small shake and suddenly Rey is grasping nothing but the air. 

Rey spins around, searching the clearing for where he went, but he’s gone.

The green blanket sits crumpled on the ground where he’d been standing and she picks it up. It’s still warm from his body and she knows then that she didn’t imagine this.

From the house, Maz calls for Rey to come in and she takes one last long look at the clearing before running back through the trees.

Maz tosses Rey her jacket and they head to the car to run into town. When they return from the store later with three new bags of clothes and school supplies, Rey pulls out the calendar she begged Maz to buy and tacks it onto the wall, next to her bed.

She draws a circle around Thursday, October 15 and writes a small ‘B’ in the center. 

She doesn’t tell Maz about Ben, she’s not sure why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so, they meet!
> 
> This au will follow the structure of the novel especially in these first few chapters.
> 
> I'll be updating weekly on Sunday nights and next week's chapter has Ben's POV which was fun to write.
> 
> Also chapter titles are from the book!
> 
> [I'm on twitter here](https://twitter.com/reyloanon)


	3. Lesson In Survival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He’s sitting in between a row of bookshelves, 6 years old and scared to death. Ben approaches slowly, knowing how crucial this moment is for him.  
>  “Hey, Ben,” he says gently, crouching down at the end of the row. The boy's head whips around and his eyes widen at the sight of him.  
> “My name is Kylo, I’m here to help you.”_

**Thursday September 8, 1988** _Ben is 5 and 22_

It’s nearly 3am and Ben is just now getting back to his apartment from the bars ready to pass out. On the couch, the bed, bathroom floor or whatever surface he finds first, he’s not too picky in his inebriated state. But he’s barely locked the door behind him when he’s no longer in his studio, but a dark hallway with a flickering exit sign glowing red at the end.

“Shit,” Ben slurs as he takes in the rows of lockers and classroom doors. “Shit, shit, shit.” 

It only takes Ben a few seconds of shivering and swearing to realize that he’s in his elementary school, but that doesn’t tell him where he’s at in time. 

It isn’t his first time traveling to the school. Growing up he found himself traveling to this school often, wandering the halls at night and sometimes sneaking into his classroom to try to look up the test answers or check his grades.

It’s been a few years since he last travelled here though, but he does what he always does and quickly makes his way down what he’s realizing is the third grade hallway and to the left heading towards the back of the building. Nestled in a corner near the doors that lead out to the playground is the janitor's closet and, luckily for Ben, several coveralls and boots which he slips on quickly. 

He’s still pretty buzzed and so he heads back down the hall to the staff break room where he finds a bottle of Gatorade in the fridge and a half-eaten cake that looks like it’s leftover from one of the teacher’s birthdays. 

Ben’s about to settle down and dig in when he hears a loud crack followed by a cry and he freezes. There’s a few seconds of silence and then he hears a small voice say, “ _mommy?_ ” and then he’s up and rushing out of the breakroom because he knows that voice and he knows what day it is.

He’s racking his brains to remember the moment exactly, but the memory is hazy in his drunken state. He does remember to stop in the first classroom he finds, grabbing a small t-shirt out of some kids cubby and then he’s off again, rounding the corner to the library when he sees him.

Sees himself.

He’s sitting in between a row of bookshelves, 6 years old and scared to death. Ben approaches slowly, knowing how crucial this moment is for him.

“Hey, Ben,” he says gently, crouching down at the end of the row. The boy's head whips around and his eyes widen at the sight of him.

“Who are you?” His lips tremble and the tears build up in his eyes, threatening to spill over. “Where’s my mommy? Why am I here?”

Ben doesn’t move, but tosses the t-shirt out to the boy who scrambles to grab it, slipping it over his head quickly. The shirt is a little big and it pools around him.

“My name is Kylo, I’m here to help you.”

Ben doesn’t want to lie, but this first meeting is overwhelming enough already, no need to throw in the fact that he’s meeting his future self. For now, Kylo can be the hero that young Ben deserves, the mysterious man out of time who swoops in to save the day. Someone for Ben to think of as a friend. 

“Help me?” The boy turns so he’s facing Ben now, his curiosity taking over for a moment.

“Yep. I’m here to help you with your time traveling. It can be pretty scary and overwhelming and you’ll need a guide,” Ben points to his chest, plastering a wide grin on his face, “That’s me.”

“I time travelled?” His eyes widen hopefully. Ben remembers this moment. For the boy sitting in front of him it’s been over a year since the first time he traveled and his mom had been so insistent it was a game he’d created that Ben had started to believe her. To hear this strange man affirm that he didn’t imagine that first time feels like Ben’s whole world is opening, walls are crumbling, and anything is possible. 

At 22, he can no longer recall the lightness he felt in his chest, the wonder at what his body was capable of. Now he only feels a void of despair that is occasionally replaced with feelings of frustration, guilt and anger at what he cannot control.

But right now Ben is 6 and he needs hope. Desperately. So he smiles and nods.

“Pretty cool, right?” Young Ben nods his head vigorously. “Come on, let’s go explore and I’ll tell you all about it.”

Ben jumps up and they head out of the library and down the halls while he peppers older Ben with questions that he does his best to answer as honestly as he can.

No, he doesn’t know why or how it happens. Yes, it’s going to happen again. No, you can’t take anything with you when you travel, not even clothes. Maybe there are other time travelers, Ben wouldn’t know, he’s never met them. Yes, you can tell your parents. What Ben doesn’t say is that they won’t believe him until it’s too late.

Ben leads him back to the breakroom, and they sit together at the table, sharing the cake and Gatorade, the questions on pause while they inhale their treats. Young Ben finishes first, wiping chocolate across his face as he leans back in his chair.

“Kylo?” He asks quietly and Ben looks up. “Will I always get to travel with you?”

Ben pauses, setting his fork down at the table. He wants to say yes so badly. Because it’s true, he will always travel with him, because they are one. But knowing that when he’s this young, the crushing realization of how alone Ben truly is in this world, would destroy him. So he settles on a half truth.

“Sometimes. Especially in the next few years, we’ll see each other a lot.” Ben perks up at that, smiling. “But sometimes you’ll be alone and I won’t be there to help you. But I’m gonna teach you as much as I can on our trips, to keep you safe, okay?”

The smile slides off his face at that and Ben remembers the fear that gripped his heart, making his blood pump faster as he imagined doing this all alone. 

“Okay,” he mumbles, pulling at his shirt. He looks so sad and it tugs at Ben’s heart so he reaches out the fork with the last chunk of cake to cheer himself up, but before Ben can take a bite, he’s gone and the t-shirt slides off the chair and back onto the floor.

Back at home he will put his pajamas back on and creep down the hall to his parents room. He’ll climb up the bed, sliding in between them and rest his head on Han’s stretched out arm where he’ll fall asleep, exhausted by the night's festivities.

But right now Ben is still stuck in his elementary school where his hangover is setting in. He wanders the halls for another hour, sipping at the Gatorade until he too is back home in 2008 where the sun is coming up.

He manages to make it to his bed before the exhaustion sets in and he collapses on the covers, wishing he was 6 years old and feeling safe in his father's arms.

_________

**Saturday, December 20, 1980** _Ben is 6 and 23 ___

_  
_It’s the weekend before Christmas and Ben is standing with his six-year-old self outside of Water Tower Place while people run up and down Michigan Avenue trying to cram in their last minute holiday shopping._   
_

Ben is gripping his younger selves hand and he can feel the nerves radiating off the boy in waves.

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Today they are going to learn how to steal.

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Ben almost feels bad for what he’s about to teach his six year old self to do, but this skill is vital to his survival in the coming years and what better time to practice than Christmas in Chicago.

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They walk through the doors and up the stairs towards the first level of shops. 

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The mall is packed with residents and tourists alike and Ben has to keep a tight grip on his younger self to keep him from being swept up in the crowd. Based on the outfits, he guesses they’ve ended up in the late 70’s or early 80’s. They move with the flow of people and Ben spots a bench near the Macy’s entrance and makes his way over, plopping Ben on it and crouching down next to him.

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“Do we have to?” The boy is terrified, his eyes are wet as if he’s teetering on the edge of tears. 

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Ben sighs.

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“Yes, we do.” He’s firm but gentle, rubbing a spot just below the boy's abnormally large ears the way Leia does when he’s upset. “It’s really important you learn this Ben. It’s going to keep you alive and safe in the future.”

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The boy nods and Ben picks him up off the bench and sets him down facing a group of tourists who are lingering outside one of the stores.

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“See that man?” He points at a gentleman wrapped in a bulky coat who is trying to console a screaming toddler. Ben nods. “Watch what I do, okay?”

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Ben stands and walks swiftly over towards the group, sharply bumping into his side as he passes. The movement jostles the man and nobody notices Ben’s hand slip into the man’s pocket, grabbing his wallet and keys. With his free arm, Ben places a hand on the man's back, apologizing profusely before doubling back to his younger self, handing him the wallet. The whole thing takes less than 30 seconds.

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“See? It’s not too bad, right? Now it’s your turn.” The boy just looks up at him, terror etched on his face.

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“Kylo, I can’t do it.”

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Ben looks around the crowd thinking for a moment before he makes a decision and grabs his hand, pulling him into the Macy’s.

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It’s quieter in here but there are still plenty of targets for them to practice on. He spots an older couple in the outerwear section and bends down to whisper instructions into the boy's ear. He looks like he may vomit but he nods. 

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Ben watches as he toddles up to them, tapping the woman on the elbow and asks them a question. They both bend down to hear him better and Ben slips a hand behind the older gentleman, darting his hand into the back pocket of his jeans, grabbing the wallet that’s inside. 

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After a few seconds, the couple stands up, satisfied with the instructions they gave him to the bathroom and Ben shuffles away, hiding the wallet up the sleeve of his sweater. Ben follows his younger self through the rack of coats and they turn into a different section, out of sight of the couple.

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The boy immediately flings himself at Ben, and he can feel him laughing against his chest.

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“Kylo, I did it!” The boy says breathlessly, handing him the wallet which Ben places in his jacket pocket. “I did it!”

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Ben chuckles and ruffles his hair, “You did great, kid.” 

__

They practice for the better part of the morning in various stores. Ben shows him how to reach into a woman’s purse, how to shoplift small items, remove security tags from clothing, and so on. Ben swipes some cash from one of the wallets before they deposit them at various customer service desks and uses the money to buy honey roasted almonds.

__

“It wasn’t so bad, was it?” Ben asks, snatching a few nuts from the bag. They’re still hot and the sweetness mixes beautifully on his tongue with the saltiness of the almonds.

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The boy shrugs his shoulders.

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“I don’t know, Kylo. My mom and dad say stealing is wrong.” He looks guilt stricken and Ben almost laughs at how quickly he knows that guilt will fade after the first time he’s shot out in time, with no one to help.

__

“It is,” Ben agrees, nodding, “But for us, it’s how we survive. You have to remember that what you do out in time matters, but the rules are different. When you’re in your present you can’t go around doing what we’re doing now, you’ll get in trouble. But when you’re travelling, it comes down to whatever means necessary.”

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The boy gulps, taking in the seriousness of today’s crimes. He doesn’t know just how bad it’ll get, the things they’ll be forced to do just to make it home. 

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They sit in silence for a little while longer, eating nuts and watching the families shop. Ben feels a tug on his arm and he looks down but his younger self is already gone, back to 1992, leaving nothing but a pile of clothes. 

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Ben tosses the clothes into a garbage bin as he walks down the steps and out of the mall out onto Michigan, pulling the collar of his jacket up against the brisk Chicago wind.

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__**Sunday, January 2, 1994** _Ben is 7 and 25_ _ _

Ben arrives in the backyard of his mother’s Lincoln Park townhouse in the dead of winter. He doesn’t stay in the snowy grass for long, pulling himself up and running to the back door and reaching above the light for the spare key.  


He lets himself in, shaking the snow off on the rug and makes his way through the house. Nobody’s home and nothing gives him a sense of where he’s at in time since this place has looked the same since the day he was born: pristine, regal and a little bit stuffy. 

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Ben passes through the living room and up the stairs and into his bedroom in search of some clothes but it only takes a cursory glance at his closet to realize he must be in the early 90’s because the clothes are tiny. This is in the time before Leia leaves out a set of clothes for adult Ben, before she believes him when he tells her he’s been travelling throughout time.

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He doesn’t linger in his room, instead walking down the hall to his parents room. He’s pulling out a pair of khakis and a crewneck from Han’s side of the closet when he hears the car pull into the driveway. 

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Ben hesitates in his parents room trying to calculate his next move, not sure what to do since his presence will probably give everyone a heart attack. He decides to head back to his room and wait out whatever happens next.

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He’s only in there for a few minutes before he hears footsteps thundering down the hall and then the door is slamming and his seven year old self looks up at him, his eyes oddly blank, an angry red cut dissecting his face in half, held together by stitches.

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Something drops in Ben’s stomach and suddenly he’s anxious.

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“Oh, it’s you,” The younger Ben spits out as he yanks off a dark suit jacket and tie, kicking off his shoes in the process.

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“Hey, kid. What’s today’s date?”

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The boy doesn’t answer at first, just walks across the room to his bed, sitting on the edge, his arms braced on either side of his tiny body.

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“January 2, 1994.”

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Oh. Shit.

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Today is his father’s funeral. 

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Slowly, Ben makes his way across the room, settling on the bed next to himself.

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“Do you want to talk about it?”

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He opens his mouth to say something and then his whole body sags, leaning into Ben’s side as he begins to cry. His body is tiny in Ben’s arms, heaving with the force of his sobs but Ben holds onto him tightly.

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“I know, kid, I know,” he whispers into his hair. They sit like that for a while, until he’s gasping for air and his body can’t seem to produce any more tears. He pulls away from Ben, wiping at his face.

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“It’s my fault,” he croaks, his voice raw from the last ten minutes of crying.

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Ben startles and before he can react he’s reassuring his seven year old self. 

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“Hey, it’s not our fault, okay? We couldn’t have known.” 

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Ben reaches out to pull him back into a hug but the boy is staring at him, his brows furrowed together on his forehead and Ben knows what a colossal mistake he’s just made. But it’s too late to take it back so he lets it settle between them and watches his younger self hurtle towards a conclusion that is going to break his heart even more than he thought possible.

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“Kylo,” the boy starts and stops, his mouth opens then closes again. “Is your name Kylo?”

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Ben hesitates for a moment, but he knows what he has to do so he shakes his head no.

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The moment stretches on as he absorbs this information and Ben waits for him to ask the question he knows comes next.

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“Who are you?”

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Ben shakes his long black hair out of his eyes, tilting his face towards him so the light catches on the pale scar that runs from his eye, down his face and past his collar bone. 

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“I’m you.”

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The seven year old reaches a hand to his own face, gently fingering at his own scar that’s still fresh from the accident. In this moment they are mirror images. Two bodies existing separately, yet carrying the same soul between them. 

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Ben sees the moment his younger self fully comprehends the gravity of what he just said and he pulls the boy to him, cradling his head under his chin and the tears start up again. 

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Ben doesn’t try to explain, he couldn’t anyway since he’s choking on his own tears. He knows exactly what his younger self is feeling right now because even 18 years later, Ben still feels the pain of it tearing him apart constantly.

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Right now the younger Ben is going through all of their travels together up until this point, trying to piece together the clues to see how he didn’t catch it earlier, how he didn’t realize that all this time that his friend, his hero, his guide, was just him, sent from his own future. 

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“I thought you were my friend,” he accuses, his tiny fists hammering into Ben’s chest. Ben just pulls him closer, he could care less about the pain. 

____

At seven years old, Ben has already lost his father and now he’s lost the only person who could possibly understand the wonders and horrors of his life. Ben at 25 knows what comes next, the anger that will push him forward out of his grief. The betrayal he feels at his future self, for lying to him the last two years. The guilt of surviving the accident, when his father didn't. And the vast well of sadness that he’s still trying to pull himself out of all these years later. 

____

Ben’s heart breaks twice, both for his present and his past self, which are one in the same in this moment. And so he holds the boy he used to be and mourns the childhood he barely had before he was ripped out of it and hurtled through space and time into the unknown.

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of Ben's perspective and his story! There will be more on Han and what happened in later chapters but hopefully this gives you a better sense of Ben's past. Next chapter is back to Rey ❤️
> 
> [I'm on twitter here](https://twitter.com/reyloanon)


	4. First Date, Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Last time, you said that in the future, we’re friends...” She pauses, a question lingering in the air and Ben sighs. She’s always been so inquisitive that he should have known this question was coming. And despite years of visits already, he’s still not used to evading this particular topic._
> 
> _“Yup. Best friends.” He can’t help the smile that settles on his lips._

**Thursday, October 15, 1998 _Rey is 6 and Ben is 34_**

It’s Thursday, October 15 and Rey is on the bus home from school, anxious and excited. 

The man said he would need clothes and Rey had triple-checked the hall closet to make sure that yes, there was indeed a pile of men's clothes. How did he know that though, she wonders for the upteemth time. She’ll have to ask. She had scoured the school’s lost and found looking for boots big enough for the man, eventually finding a pair that looked like they might have belonged to a teacher or janitor. 

As soon as the bus pulls up to her stop, Rey grabs her backpack and flies out the doors and up the long drive to Maz’s. She doesn’t slow down once inside, tossing a “Hi Maz!” over her shoulder as she runs down the hallway towards her room. The bag of clothes is sitting in her closet where she had left it that morning, and she grabs it before she’s off and running back through the house and towards the back door. 

“Hold it, speed racer,” Maz steps in her way and Rey comes to a halt. “Where are you off to?”  
  
“Just outside,” Rey answers brightly, shifting the hand holding the bag so that Maz can’t see what’s inside. “We’re doing our reading contest at school and I wanna read outside.” 

Maz squints down at her but relents after only a few seconds, stepping away from the door. 

“Alright, but dinner will be ready in an hour. We’re having chili.” Rey resists the urge to make a face, she _hates_ chili. But Maz makes the best cornbread to go with it, so she suffers through it. 

“Okay!” And just like that Rey is off again, through the door, across the field and into the trees, her backpack bouncing between her shoulder blades. 

She finds the clearing easily and pulls the green blanket out of the bag, moving towards the bushes to place the clothes and boots on the side where the man appeared last week. 

She sits on the blanket, pulling out her book and settling in. They really _are_ having a reading contest and Rey wants to win. 

15 minutes pass and she’s lost in Junie B. Jones' latest debacle, giggling to herself when she hears something. 

There’s a sound like when a ball passes too close to your ear and then a thud. Rey quickly sets her book down and backs up on the blanket, away from the noise, suddenly scared. 

**_________**

Ben lands on the forest floor with a thud, narrowly avoiding an ill-placed twig. He groans, rolling over onto all fours when he spots a plastic bag. A peek inside shows him the clothes he’s grown familiar with over the years: a pair of brown corduroys, a Green Bay Packers sweater, some socks and an old pair of Doc Martens. 

The bag tells him that Rey must be young, that it must be one of their first meetings. 

He dresses quickly, relieved to have a little protection against the crisp Wisconsin weather and steps through the bushes. 

Rey is backed up against a tree, eyes wide and hands trembling, looking like a doe caught in headlights. She looks to be about six or seven. 

“Hi, Rey,” he tries to keep his voice low and gentle. “What’s today’s date?”  


Rey swallows and for a minute he doesn’t think she’ll say anything and then she squeaks out- 

“October 15, 1998.” 

Ah. This is only their second time meeting. That would explain why she’s looking at him like she’s just seen a ghost. 

Ben sits on the edge of the blanket, far from her and they settle into a silence. Ben wishes he could go back to his present and ask Rey what to say to her six-year-old self in this moment, to ease her nerves. But he can’t. So he sits as still as possible and does his best not to frighten her. 

He looks around the clearing, a place he’s come to know well over the years. Rey’s set out the blanket and her backpack’s contents are littered across it. A book sits upside down, the spine bent at where she’s left off reading and he can’t help but smile a little because Rey still does this. Leaving books all over their house, the pages stained with coffee rings from when she wasn’t paying attention to where she placed them. 

He’s about to reach out and grab the book, give himself something to do while she sits and stares at him, when she finally speaks up. 

“How come you didn’t know what day it was?” Her voice is small but it doesn’t waver. 

“Well, I can’t control when or where I travel to so when I show up, I don’t always know where I’m at in time.” 

Rey’s mouth opens in a small ‘o’. 

“Is it scary?” 

He ponders this for a moment, rubbing his palms on the pants to keep them warm. Six is too young to understand the complexities and horrors that time travel can be. Even in their present, Ben tries to spare her the details. She worries about him enough already, no need to add to it. 

He settles on a half-truth. 

“It can be. But it can also be fun and interesting sometimes. And the company isn’t half bad.”  
  
Rey looks pleased. He knows how little attention she’s been given in her life thus far, how she craves kindness above all else. This small comment is probably the most seen she’s felt in a long time and it breaks his heart just a little. 

“Last time, you said that in the future, we’re friends...” She pauses, a question lingering in the air and Ben sighs. She’s always been so inquisitive that he should have known this question was coming. And despite years of visits already, he’s still not used to evading this particular topic. 

“Yup. Best friends.” He can’t help the smile that settles on his lips. 

They settle into a more comfortable silence now, and Ben lets her process this. 

He’s peering at the contents of her backpack when he spots it, the yellow journal that will become crucial to them over the years and he remembers what he must do. 

“Do you have a pen?” Ben asks, pulling the journal from the pile of folders and notebooks. Rey nods, darting a hand into the front pocket of the bag and hands it to him. 

Ben opens to a blank page and begins to write in glittery pink ink, while Rey watches him curiously. 

“What are you doing?” She asks and he’s surprised to see she’s scooted closer, no longer afraid. 

“I’m writing down all the days I’ll come to visit you.” He continues to scribble the dates in his best handwriting, the list long memorized by now. 

“How do you know that?” 

Ben pauses. How do you explain the intricacies of past and present and future, of cause and effect, to a six year old? How does he explain that his body is a physical representation of the dimensions of time and space co-existing as one, constantly at war with each other with no beginning and no end, when he doesn’t even understand it himself? 

“One day, years from now, I find this journal and I memorize all the dates in it so that today, I can write them all down for you.” 

Her brow furrows and her eyes glaze over as she thinks on this. It doesn’t make sense because for Ben, time is a circle. He is constantly living and reliving moments, often stuck in the past, unable to undo what’s been done. The present and future do not exist because of the past for Ben, but rather they exist in spite of it. Ben has long since given up trying to understand it himself and would be at a loss trying to explain it to Rey now. 

But she must decide that his feeble attempt at an explanation is enough, shrugging her shoulders as if to say “I guess that makes sense.” 

He finishes writing down the last of the dates, 53 in all, and hands the journal back to Rey. She flips through the pages, her eyes wide at the length of the list. 

Ben can feel that he doesn’t have much longer here with her, the present is tugging him home back to the now, and so he makes her promise to keep the journal safe, noting the next day on the list that’s only a few weeks away. 

“I’ll be back then,” he explains, pointing at the November date. “You won’t be back from school yet so I’ll need you to keep these clothes safe for me, okay?” 

Rey looks confused and opens her mouth to ask how but he cuts her off. 

“There’s a brown chest in the Maz’s garage. It’s not very big, you can easily pick it up. You just need to carry it out here and place these clothes in it.” He points at the clothes he’s wearing and she nods. “That way if I ever arrive and you aren’t here, I won’t look like a big naked weirdo lumbering around for anyone to see.” 

Rey giggles and it tugs a smile out of Ben as well. 

There’s a rushing in his ears and Ben knows he only has a few more seconds before he’s gone and with as much energy as he can muster he focuses on her and manages a “goodbye” before he’s gone and then- 

He’s sitting on the floor of their kitchen, the bowl of oatmeal he’d been preparing is still on the counter. A glance at the clock tells him he was only gone for a few minutes. 

He can hear Rey in the bathroom humming to herself with the shower running and he stands up, tugging his sweatpants back on. He continues to prepare his breakfast, putting a pot of coffee on to be ready by the time Rey emerges 15 minutes later. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something a little lighter between the heaviness of Ben's childhood ❤️
> 
> [I'm on twitter here](https://twitter.com/reyloanon)


	5. Time, Suspended

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In just two years Ben has become a constant in her life, despite the inconsistency of his presence. She knows that most people don’t have a friend like Ben and that her friends wouldn’t understand. So she keeps him a secret, tucked deep away in the woods that have become their sanctuary._

**1999 & 2000 _Rey is 7 and 8, Ben is 34_**

It’s not long before Rey is looking forward to each of Ben’s visits. No longer afraid or shy, she anticipates their time together and pesters him with questions about his past, her future, and everything that her young mind can think up. 

Ben refuses to answer most of her questions. He won’t talk about himself at all and it only makes Rey want to know more. He’s patient but stern with her, often redirecting her questions to some other topic until she forgets the conversation entirely. 

As for questions about Rey’s future, Ben point blank refuses to answer her. 

“Knowing what’s coming, it’s isolating.” He explains one spring day when Rey is 7. “Most of the time I feel like I can’t escape it because I always know what’s coming. It’s suffocating. I won’t do that to you.” 

Rey is upset, but she doesn’t press it further after that. 

They usually spend his visits doing homework. Rey is learning addition and subtraction and is struggling. She prefers reading and Language Arts, subjects that come naturally to her. Math just makes her want to cry. Ben makes a set of flashcards to help her, patiently quizzing her as they sit in the clearing until she either gets the answers right or he disappears back to his time. 

In the winter, Rey sneaks Ben into Maz’s garage. It’s detached from the house and she leaves the door unlocked on the days of his visits. She leaves him magazines and newspapers that Maz throws out and they read together in comfortable silence. 

Sometimes Rey regales him with tales of her day. 

She doesn’t have many friends at school, being the new kid and all. People are weary of the parentless kid that lives on the edge of town. But she’s managed to at least fly under the radar of most people. 

At the start of second grade the seating chart places her next to Jess and Tallie, two girls who have been inseparable since Kindergarten. They take her in, sharing their snacks, playing with her at recess and eventually inviting her over after school. 

Rey loves going to Tallie’s. She lives in town, not too far from the school and they head their most days once class lets out. Tallie’s mom makes them PB&J’s and the girls lock themselves in Tallie’s room where they pretend to run a small cafe. Rey is the chef, Jess plays the prissy customer, and Tallie is the cafe owner. Sometimes they talk Tallie’s brother, Zach, into playing another customer and every time he shows up, Rey gets flustered and drops her toy spatula, scrambling to hide the reddening in her cheeks. 

She tries to make Ben play restaurant with her when he visits but Ben is the _worst_ customer and so they stop. But Rey doesn’t mind because she can talk to Ben about things she can’t talk to Jess and Tallie about. 

Things like her parents and how she’s afraid they’re gonna make her leave Maz’s care because she’s still not used to having something so good for so long. Ben listens patiently to her anxious thoughts, sometimes assuring her that she _does_ deserve good things. Rey doesn’t always believe him but she appreciates it all the same. 

They talk about books a lot. Ben is always quoting authors Rey has never heard of and she spends a lot of her time without him at the library, searching for the books he mentions. Sometimes when he visits, he gives Rey prompts and she writes him short stories that he can’t take with him, so she keeps them in a binder under her bed. 

In just two years Ben has become a constant in her life, despite the inconsistency of his presence. She knows that most people don’t have a friend like Ben and that her friends wouldn’t understand. So she keeps him a secret, tucked deep away in the woods that have become their sanctuary. 

**_________**

“Do you like Backstreet Boys or *NSYNC?” It’s the summer after Rey turns 8 and she and Ben are sitting at the lake, still in sight of Maz’s. Ben doesn’t have weather appropriate clothes so he’s rolled the corduroys up his calves. They’re building sandcastles just out of reach of the waves that are lapping at the shore. 

“No opinion.” He replies in a bored tone. 

Rey gapes at him. 

“How can you not have an opinion? That’s like… like…” Rey’s hand flutters through the air, trying to grab a word big enough to match how she feels. “That’s _so boring_.” 

Ben chuckles, pressing the sides of sand into a circular dome, then he uses the side of his palm to slice the edges into a perfect block. Rey’s sandcastle looks as if somebody had come through and trampled it to the ground. 

“When boybands got popular I was much too cool to even pretend to be into them.” Ben scoffs, scrunching his nose up in disgust. 

“But boy bands _are_ cool,” Rey insists, giving up on her pile of sand to give this conversation her full attention. “They sing and they dance and they’re… they’re so _cute_.” 

The last part comes out as a sigh, and Rey blushes a deep shade of red, looking away. 

Ben pauses in his building to stare at her, his lips quirked up, trying to repress a laugh. 

“Let me rephrase: I was a very angry kid. Pop music didn’t appeal to me. At all.” 

Rey has moved back to her sandcastle, mashing the wet pieces into tiny shapes that crumble in her fingers. 

“What music do you like?” 

“When I was your age? Or in 1999?” He asks. 

“Both.” 

“Well, I was around your age I mostly listened to what my parents liked.” He doesn’t stop molding and piling the sand while he speaks. “Mostly 70’s rock because that’s what my dad liked. Stuff like Lynyrd Skynyrd, Neil Young, Led Zeppelin, and Iggy Pop. And my mom was really into Fleetwood Mac and Elton John. We used to drive around on Sunday’s in my dad’s corvette with the top down and listen to his favorite songs. It was my favorite thing to do with him.” 

He’s stopped building, and is looking out at the lake. Rey holds her breath, afraid that if she makes even the slightest movement he’ll remember she’s there and change the conversation. Because this is the most personal he’s ever been with her and she doesn’t want to ruin it. 

“What about in 1999?” She asks after his silence has stretched on a beat past comfortable. 

Ben shakes his head as if to clear it. 

“Oh in the late 90’s, I was a teen and angry and depressed. I listened to a lot of Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Radiohead, The Cranberries. Stuff like that.” 

Rey makes a mental note to look for those CD’s at the library the next time she goes. 

Ben is sitting facing the waves now, his chin resting on his knees that are pulled up to his chest. Rey has abandoned her devastating attempt at a castle and so she turns towards the water as well, mimicking his position. 

They sit in silence as the sun begins to dip lower in the sky, hovering over the horizon turning the blue water a fiery orange. After a while, Rey hears Maz calling for her, and she scrambles up, dusting sand off her legs. Ben looks at her as if in a daze. 

“Sorry, kid. I got lost in my mind for a minute there.” He doesn’t move, just tilts his head towards her on his arms. 

“I have to go,” Rey says, she can see the back porch light is on and knows Maz has probably been calling her for some time. She doesn’t usually let Rey play alone at the lake without her, but Rey insisted on coming alone today as long as she didn’t go in the water and was back before dark. 

Ben just nods. 

“See ya, kid.” 

Rey tosses a “bye!” over her shoulder as she tumbles up the beach and through the trees. When she looks back at the lake, Ben is still sitting there, watching the waves where they meet the shore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Ben & Rey because the next chapter is a little heavier, so this is a nice reprieve.
> 
> [I'm on twitter here](https://twitter.com/reyloanon)


	6. Home Is Where You Hang Your Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _For a few precious hours he wasn’t a boy who can’t seem to keep himself in time, someone who doesn’t have to listen to his mom cry herself to sleep most nights because her husband is dead and her son is a fuck up. For a few hours, Ben Solo ceased to exist, just for a bit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh no we're back to angst :/

**Tuesday, March 13, 2001 _Ben is 14 and 17_**

Ben can see his mom’s mouth moving, her eyes are wide with tears and her cheeks are red from her growing frustration, but he can’t hear anything. 

They’re standing in the entryway, Ben having just walked into whatever bullshit this is and he hasn’t even been able to take off his shoes. It’s been like this almost every week for the last 4 months and Ben is over it. He’s sick of the yelling, sick of the tears, sick of everyone assuming the worst of him. Especially when it’s his own fucking mom. 

Today’s fight has to do with the fact that Ben and some other kids had left school for lunch and never came back, taking the brown line downtown to smoke and walk around the loop. Ben didn’t even really know the guys that well, they were some friends of Hux’s and they had some mid-grade weed that they let him smoke for free. 

The day was one of the best Ben had had in a long time. The weed cleared his head enough that he could almost pretend he was a normal teenager who does normal things like skip school and run around Millennium Park with his friends talking about girls and parties and how the Cubs are looking at spring training. 

For a few precious hours he wasn’t a boy who can’t seem to keep himself in time, someone who doesn’t have to listen to his mom cry herself to sleep most nights because her husband is dead and her son is a fuck up. For a few hours, Ben Solo ceased to exist, just for a bit. It was so good that he didn’t even think twice about walking back into the house, reeking of weed and smelling like an ashtray. 

And of course, Leia had been waiting for him at the door. 

The sound seems to pop back into existence and his mother’s voice is loud in his ears. 

“You already miss enough school because of all this time traveling, Ben, do you want to flunk out?” She’s looking at him like she really expects an answer. Ben just shrugs and uses his height to shoulder past her into the living room, dropping his backpack on the couch, knowing that will only add fuel to the flames. 

Leia scoops the bag off the couch, thrusting the bag back into his arms. Ben rolls his eyes, and changes course, stalking up the stairs and into his bedroom. 

His room has changed a lot over the years. The rocketship comforter has been replaced with a solid navy colored one and his walls are now covered in so many band posters that the light blue wall is barely visible underneath. And there are clothes _everywhere_. 

“Jesus, Ben, how many times do I have to ask you to clean up?” Leia scoffs as she follows him into his room, haphazardly tossing clothes into his hamper. Ben just sits on the bed and watches. He thinks he still might be high and he doesn’t know what to do about that with his mom here, so he just stays silent, watching her rip through his room like a tornado while she continues to berate him. 

“Honestly, Ben, this is getting ridiculous,” Leia isn’t yelling anymore but the disappointment drips from her mouth, stinging worse than her anger. “You’re barely passing half of your classes, you’re never home and if you are you don’t even talk to me.” 

Ben considers this, the words tumbling through his head clunkily. He can’t really argue against what she’s said so he just shrugs again. This is the last straw for Leia, apparently. 

“God, can you just talk? You’re so much like your father-” Her words cut off abruptly and she turns her face away from Ben, who has gone stiff. The silence settles uncomfortably over them as Leia continues to shuffle around his room, picking up his dirty clothes and straightening the items on his desk. Acting like she hasn’t just lit the fuse on a nuclear bomb. 

“Get out.” Ben is no longer sitting, but standing at his door, holding it open for Leia. 

“Ben-” she starts, hesitantly but she must see something in Ben’s face because her mouth snaps shut. 

At the door, she stops in front of him, lifting her hand to cup his cheek, but Ben jerks back and her face falls, the corners of her eyes are glistening. She’s barely through the door when Ben feels a tug in his gut and he’s whisked out of this room and out of his present. Finally. 

He arrives back in his own room, because of course his body can’t let him truly escape his life and problems. Sitting on the bed is himself, slightly older, Ben would guess around 18 maybe. 

They regard each other quietly and then Ben walks over to the dresser, pulling out some shorts, slipping them on. 

“Date?” He asks. 

“December 28, 2003.” His self replies. So he’s 17 then. He moves over to the bed where his older self is clutching a GameCube controller and Tony Hawk Pro Skater is paused on the screen. “When are you coming from?” 

Ben slides onto his back on the bed, throwing an arm over his face. 

“Does it matter?” 

The other boy considers this for a few seconds, then hits play on the game, “S’pose not.” 

While his other self continues to play, Ben reaches over towards the stereo that sits on the desk and pops in Enema of the State, cranking the volume until the speakers vibrate with the noise. 

Together, the boys sit in silence taking turns on the game and changing the CD when it runs its course. Ben’s mood begins to clear the longer they sit and by hour three, he’s almost forgotten about the fight and the fact that eventually he’ll have to return home. 

They’re arguing over whether to continue playing Tony Hawk or if they should put in Zelda when there’s a knock on the door and Leia pokes her head in. 

“Dinner’s almost ready,” She startles at the sight of a second Ben but recovers quickly, long used to her son’s affliction and the fact that sometimes she has two sons. “Hi, sweetheart.” 

She’s smiling warmly as if they haven’t been fighting for weeks non-stop. Ben almost snaps a sarcastic reply back about it but then he remembers, they haven’t. That was then, this is now. 

Guilt bubbles in his chest at the sight of her looking at him so openly, full of so much love. He slips off the bed and stalks across the room, wrapping her in his arms. He forgets sometimes how small she is, her face barely coming up to his shoulder. There’s a moment where she doesn’t do anything, and then she’s melting into his hug, rubbing his back in slow, gentle circles. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles into her hair roughly. 

Leia doesn’t say anything, just clutches him tighter. She can’t possibly know what he’s apologizing for, but she seems to understand. So they hold each other until his other self clears his throat awkwardly. The prick. 

“Sorry, you said dinner?” 

And they let each other go, Leia trying to surreptitiously wipe at her eyes. She claps her hands together and pastes a bright smile on her face as she lets them know that they can come down in ten minutes. 

Dinner is actually nice. They sit at the table, passing dishes around and eating while amicably talking about the holiday and how Leia is enjoying time off from work. Ben mostly sits in silence, listening to his future and reminding himself that no matter how bad his present is right now, he has moments like this to look forward to. 

Before he finishes his meal though, Ben is being pulled back to 2001, back to his present. His door is shut and the room is pitch black. He’s been gone for hours. 

Ben thinks about going down the hall to his mother’s room and apologizing to her now but the bitter feelings are back, his momentary guilt forgotten. 

She started it, she can apologize to _him_. 

And so he flicks on his desk light, opening up his backpack and pulling out his books. His alarm reads 1:52AM and he sighs, getting to work on all of the assignments he’s been putting off. He works until 4 before he rests his head on the open Algebra book, finally drifting off to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for sad times but this is important to Ben's development later, promise!!!!
> 
> [I'm on twitter here](https://twitter.com/reyloanon)


End file.
